Minute 62

 Minute 62 (by Vanessa Tümmes)

Can you hear me? 

It is again another Sunday night. 

The weekend is over. 

I did not finish everything I wanted to finish. 

But the weekend is over. 

The lesson for tomorrow still not finished and the laundry I turned on 6 hours ago still not being taken out of the wash.

But the weekend is over. 

The assignment I had to submit at uni 3 days ago, is still resting on my desk and the group-work deadline is creeping in even closer. In 2 weeks, exams start, and I don’t even know, when there will be good time to study for them. 

But the weekend is over and the time has run out.

It is another Monday.

Mondays are school days. 

6 long hours that can pass within a second or it can feel like days, because the workload is just too much. I feel overwhelmed – already.

It is just another Monday.

I run to the copying machine trying to finish my work before the first lesson starts. I feel light-headed because I haven’t eaten regularly in months, but I have to hurry!! The lesson starts in 5 minutes! 

It is just another Monday.

Arriving at the classroom door, I take a deep breath, leaving every thought behind, not thinking about uni, laundry, or my empty stomach…. and try to focus on what is approaching me in a second - once I enter through that door. 

30 children with different personalities, needs, and challenges.. 

It is just another Monday.

I enter with a huge smile and wishing everyone a lovely morning while already being overtaken by questions and missing homework and yelling and ultimately the news that the mother of one of my students suddenly died yesterday. Everything in under the first minute of my school day.

It is just another Monday.

We start our English lesson while my mind is already deciding on how to approach the terrible news, the missing homework, rearranging my planned lesson, so I can adapt to the new environment, and deciding whether or not it is smart to write this vocabulary test now.

It is just another Monday.

I leave for the first break into the teacher’s room. A break I need that. I long for a big cup of coffee - Perhaps the only thing I look forward to on school days nowadays. While walking to the kitchen, I get caught up in 3 conversations with colleagues, being invited to an emergency class meeting in the afternoon, getting called by the 4th colleague that I plan on doing a project with. 

Then, the ring bells for the 3rd lesson and I haven’t even made it to the kitchen. 

It is just another Monday.

Surprisingly, the next lesson goes as planned. Everything I wanted to achieve – I did. For a split second, the thought occurred, that I might make it through this day. The children work on their assignments, and I have a second to myself, but decide to write another e-mail to one of the parents. While I watch my students working, my mind has a second to recover from the morning. However, in this split second, all the other thoughts come flooding back. This time so loud that I have to look away and swallow real hard to keep the tears away. “Ms. Thuemmes I’ve got a question – can you help me?” And I am back in the school world: working and functioning - forgetting that a second ago I was almost crying.

It is just another Monday.

Finally, lunch time. Normally I would have been done for today – but because of the emergency class meeting, I of course, stay. I will always stay. Because these kids are everything that still make my work worthwhile. 

I could also use the lunch time to finish the uni assignment and be productive. Plus, I intend to get something to eat for the first time today BUT while I am on my way to get food… again: I get stopped. This time from the co- principal, wanting to talk about my next school year plans. If he would only know that I am so exhausted that I sometimes struggle to actually still wanting to do this job in the future. But of course, I agree. We sit down and talk about my hours, my work which he appreciates. Then we also talk my time schedule, my classes, my students…. Then suddenly the bell rings. 40 minutes are over and I have to hurry. The meeting starts in 5 minutes! 

It is just another Monday.

The emergency class meeting was being called as there are 4 students in my class which need further discussing. One student that just lost her mother under tragical circumstances, one student that was put into foster care, one student that needs to deal with tremendous helicopter parents and lastly the student who’s father is mentally abusing his own child and also every teacher that tries to help. 

It is just another Monday.

I walk outside of school. It is 3.30 in the afternoon. I still haven’t eaten. I haven’t finished the assignment for uni, I haven’t copied the worksheets for the next day, and I haven’t even started to process that day and what was just said - just now in that meeting. I force myself not to think about anything until I get home. I sit in my car and the tears start rolling down my face. I can’t hold them back. I tell myself that once I get home, I must take out that laundry from yesterday, I must take my dog on a walk, I must finish this assignment today and I must eat something. I notice that I haven’t even drank one sip of water today. 

It is just another Monday. 

The mental load is exponentially getting more. You would think that it is getting less because I work every day until late. But that’s not the case. 

But I made it. I am home. 

I open the door.

 I take my shoes off. 

I walk into my office and put my bag away. 

I sit down and start working on this uni assignment. 

I just want to get it done. I want to feel like I finished something today. 

I want to be done with this day and finally spend time with my loved ones. I just want to be done. 

But it is just another Monday. 

It is 8 o’clock once I check my phone again. 8 o’clock is my sacred time limit. I close my laptop, get my dog and walk outside. We walk towards the small little lake. He loves swimming in that lake and it is also very quiet there.

I sit down on the shore and throw the ball a couple of times into the water so my dog can fetch it. While I am watching him enjoying himself, my mind is coming to peace. I look through the branches of the old trees in front of me and I enjoy hearing the water splashing. I enjoy the quietness - the peace. Now sitting in the quietness of the lake, feeling the wind on my skin, listening to the water splashing: Everything seems at peace. This is the first time today and the first time in days that I feel at peace. I feel grateful – still. 

I watch the sunset. My mind is scrambling, and I start thinking about this day. The thoughts come flooding back, all the conversations and critical moments are so present in my frontal cortex that I cannot shake them. The peace is gone. 

I remember that I still have to write that protocol from the class meeting, I need to adapt my lesson plan for the next day because the first two lessons today didn’t go as planned, I still have to text two colleagues and write another 

E-Mail. I still didn’t have time to take the laundry out. But at least I finished that assignment, now hoping that my lecturer accepts : the now 4 days late submission. Tomorrow is another deadline. 

Everything is so overwhelming again.  

The quietness is gone, and the loudness is back.

It is just another Monday.

I am sitting on my bed thinking how I feel like a puppet in an overloaded room full of unnecessaries. This is how my mind feels. I long for this feeling of peace again. Is that how my university years are supposed to be? Is this how my work life is supposed to be? Is this how being a teacher is going to be all my life? All these problems, all these struggles, more and more work every day, for every teacher, all these children needing me,

 but at the same time: what do I need? 

It is just another Monday. 

I grab a bottle of water. It is 10 o’clock now. I check my phone and see 3 messages from my students: 

about extra exercises for the class test, about homework and about presentations for extra credit. I walk to my desk. I open up my laptop again and answer to all these questions. I know that this is my own fault, and I should just wait until tomorrow.

 But tomorrow is already so packed with so much work again that I rather just get it over with now.

It is just another Monday. 

The day is finally over, and I check WhatsApp for the first time today, opening all these messages that also need answering - answering just seems so exhausting right now. I feel like I can’t give more of myself to anyone else today. However, I still decide to text back to some friends and in the family chat…… 

That I had an exhausting day… no one knows. 

 

It is just another Monday.

I decided to occupy my mind, but somehow on the search of maybe finding some of that peace again.

So, the TV it is.

 The news are on. 

Another bombing attack in the Ukraine, another nuclear threat from North Korea, another broadcast about abortion protests, another inflation rise, another shooting of minors by the police – only this time in France, another rise of right- wing extremism in the east of Germany, another and another ridiculous decision by the Supreme Court in the US, and even more pictures of the catastrophic climate crises ... 

I turn off the TV.

Overwhelmed again. 

But at least Monday is finally over.

The following poem is based upon a short film clip - to be precise: it is an elaboration upon minute 62 of that short film clip. In the one-minute clip, there are three images that can be seen. The first image is a black and white picture with a clear sunset view. The second one is a view onto a shore somewhere at a lake or an ocean. The last one seems to be at an attic which seems littered. There is one huge mirror in the centre of the picture with a woman standing next to it. While watching the minute and seeing the first two pictures, there was a strange atmosphere designed by the music, even though the pictures itself shined with beauty. Therefore, I watched the minute again without being distracted by the music. This times there was literal peace blossoming from the pictures. There was a sense of quietness and slow motion. It seemed like time stood still. There more I looked at these pictures, the more I longed for this peace and quietness, as my current life hasn’t been slow, nor quiet. That feeling along with the idea to fulfil my wish of attempting a poetry slam, I rather quickly came up with the topic of my poem: the source of my stressful day to day. Moreover, I wanted it to be felt by everyone. I wanted to approach the difficulties that teachers face each day that is not seen by society. In my case that is only one side activity next to university. I experienced that people who aren’t working next to university, who aren’t working in the educational sector etc. cannot fathom the expense of my kind of stress – which is actually a shared stress by many others that are in the same position. Still, a lot of it is being taken down, concluding in mental health problems and burnout. While I wrote this poem (which came so quickly as well to me), I noticed that it has some very strong feelings which may be too much or might be triggering others. Therefore, I spend a few more days adjusting the wording, so the stressful sight of the poem is clear but not overwhelmed by too many other topics or feelings. The result is something I am very proud of. It displays everything I wanted it to - the stress, the beauty that a day can offer, the different needs, the different social roles of being a student, a teacher, a friend, a partner, a dog mom… the long hours and mostly the never- ending days. I also found it fitting to underline the poem with real life pictures from school, combined with pictures from my free-time and the black and white pictures from the film clip. I feel that it complimented the poem greatly. Maybe next time, I will also try to underline it with a tone or music to make it even more powerful. Because what I am sure of is that this might have been my first poem, but it will definitely not have been my last.