Minute 38

Minute 38 (by Sola Safi)

Words left being said/ words that can never be spoken.

You´d rather carry my body in a bag,

than to speak to my soul.

What has God to do with any of this?

When it is you who caused the suffering, I insist.

Your egotism and your abuse have taken their toll.

Paid with my happiness and my comfort after all.

Left with no resources restless and weak,

Striking me with every word, every syllable, and every sound, preventing me to speak.

Poisoned by your wicked womb,

Trapped in a twisted tomb,

Heartbroken by your heartlessness,

Shocked by your soullessness.

Insulting me with your indifference,

destroying my near lost resilience.

Asking and hoping for you to be different

In term suffering the consequence.

This time and each and every time I ask of you,

Why do you hate me? Do you hate me?

I can change! 

Change?

Twisting and turning, chiseling and churning

Me again?

Please don´t turn me into a liar again!

A loving liar losing themselves again.

If that´s love, I want none of it, never again,

I´d rather be unloved, untouched, unseen from this pain.

Not a kiss, not a hug, not even a slightest touch shall remain.

How come I feel bad when you wished I was never born?

How come I feel bad when you made me feel torn?

How come I feel bad when you made me feel your scorn?

Make me wish I was never born.

Born when I shouldn´t have been.

Created out of spite, 

Born out of a fight.

Left out of sight.

The scars that you gave me hurt more every time you´re around,

And they burn when you are nowhere to be seen.

A pain never expected, but always foreseen.

Even though you stopped holding out your hand,

The hand is still striking according to your command.

I´m terrified of being haunted by you in my dreams,

Dreaming, gasping for air escaping your schemes. 

Screaming, grasping for reality in extremes.

Puking out the guilt I have been feeling,

the guilt that you have been feeding,

confronting everything I have been fearing, 

when there is nowhere left to be fleeing. 

But I rise above, not defined by my pain,

Defiantly breathing, embracing the rain.

No longer small, I have grown, I have evolved,

I have

That lost inner child, her spirit absolved. Completely uninvolved

When you leave, take her with you.

That malevolent presence that lives inside of me. 

She´s a clone, just a mirror held up to you.

So, when it´s done, prob me up and shatter me one last time. 

So, when I say I hope you´re doing well.

I truly hope you´re rotting in hell.

For what you did

For what you said 

And especially for everything you did not say and did not do. 

So, for whatever it´s worth “I hope you´re doing well.”

In the beginning of this minute a lifeless body is dragged out of a coal mine, which is why I start my poetry slam with the line “You´d rather carry my body in a bag, than to speak to my soul.” As that imagery of the scene conveyed that sort of feeling to me. This poetry slam explores a damaging relationship and is speaking of and dealing with subjects that are not spoken of in the real world. The poetry slam also refers to the women in the scene that unwillingly are pushed towards the water, while appearing to be completely powerless, as to be in that relationship makes me feel the same powerlessness. A lot of time has been spent on writing this piece while exploring female rage and repressed feelings.